I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
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[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool