I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
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If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?