It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.