I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
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i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Catering service
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Adultry does not sound fun at all