I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
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You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?