I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*


I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.


Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.


“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”


Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me


[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?


KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?


The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs


Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.