@shelldash

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

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@internetluke

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

@impaulmccoy

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

@Brentweets

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-

Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me

@TheToddWilliams

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

@weinerdog4life

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

@JihadPizza

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.