“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
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“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Me: I guess it all started when I was younger-
Her: Sir, unless there’s a problem with the gas pump, don’t push the button to talk to me
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.