I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
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Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-