I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you


“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
“Call a vet” *hangs up*


lancelot: we have to work together arthur

arthur: unite

lancelot: yes I am


I’m a wealth of knowledge

Unless you want it to be true

Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics

2 of those might just be Doritos flavors


Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.


teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker


“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*


I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.