@outsmartedmommy

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

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@pannuscorium

My mom is a ginger and my dad is Mexican. I guess what I’m saying is that I can only be killed by some elaborate, magical ceremony.

@LeBearGirdle

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

@Darlainky

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@cloudypianos

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

@daplusk

I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet

@bylinetd

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

@GrantTanaka

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

@hippieswordfish

absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

@better_off_dad

The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.

@DurtMcHurtt

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*