I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

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My mom is a ginger and my dad is Mexican. I guess what I’m saying is that I can only be killed by some elaborate, magical ceremony.


[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!


I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.


“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years


I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet


There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.


sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana


absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh


The best part about being over 40 is discovering all the new regions of your body that can support hair life.


TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*