I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
There is no “we” in pizza
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Lmbo
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.