I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
You Might Also Like
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
#Caturday
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
sin harder.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…