I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
next level snooze
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂