Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
What do you hear?
got to inbox zero and a feeling of wellness entered my body, my skin cleared up, immediately hydrated, perfect 20/20 vision, all my pants fit, best hair day
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…