@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

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@goldengateblond

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

@Browtweaten

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

@iamburtjarvis

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

@fightforfood

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

@MenHumor

Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.

@MichaelTrying

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

@kiel_phillips

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

@_ElvishPresley_

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace