@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

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@simoncholland

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

@junejuly12

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

@bingowings14

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

@jackmackenroth

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

@HavocMantis

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

@squirrel74wkgn

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

@Kristen_Arnett

got to inbox zero and a feeling of wellness entered my body, my skin cleared up, immediately hydrated, perfect 20/20 vision, all my pants fit, best hair day

@caithuls

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…