I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

You Might Also Like


[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.


When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.


Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.


Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.


The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png


Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*


got to inbox zero and a feeling of wellness entered my body, my skin cleared up, immediately hydrated, perfect 20/20 vision, all my pants fit, best hair day


[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…