A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Most guys: send noodes
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace