I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
This is enough internet for the day.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.