I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?