I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.


If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it


While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full…I’ll just be drinking from the bottle !


Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…


finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet


Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?


My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.


[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*


Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.