@Darlainky

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.

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@iLikeCatShirts

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

@rzarosco

If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it

@jaslakhmna

While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full…I’ll just be drinking from the bottle !

@jackiecarbajal

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

@MarkusJ

finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet

@PaulyPeligroso

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

@Lisabug74

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

@duplicitron

Ghost handwriting is so sloppy. What is this, blood? Lol. Get a pen.