I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
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I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
That was easy.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.