I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter