I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

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*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*


[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens


You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.


Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.


“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones


Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*


I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.


[One week into body training]

Me: GOD this is taking so long

Trainer: how long were you expecting?

Me: …how long is Eye of the Tiger?


Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.


Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes