*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Me: *marking chart*
Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.
[One week into body training]
Me: GOD this is taking so long
Trainer: how long were you expecting?
Me: …how long is Eye of the Tiger?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes