@sip_at_home_mom

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

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@TheTimmyToes

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

@internetluke

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

@thecrabbyhook

You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.

@UnFitz

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

@kumailn

“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

@Vodkantots

I really hope my family doesn’t give me a urinal cake again for my birthday this year.

@looktothepickle

[One week into body training]

Me: GOD this is taking so long

Trainer: how long were you expecting?

Me: …how long is Eye of the Tiger?

@Birdhumms

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

@BraandoCommando

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes