I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
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KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.