[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”