I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
You Might Also Like
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.