Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
If poetry is dead, then explain this: