I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
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(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.
(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways