I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
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paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.