@KentWGraham

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

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@SarahFemme

I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.

@AimeeHelene1

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

@SCbchbum

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

@mdob11

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

@Parkerlawyer

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

@DanMentos

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

@Habbibti

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

@DaddyJew

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways