I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.