@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

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@girl_a_whirl

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

@kpcuk

There are 10 types of people in the world – those who know binary and those who other people talk to in the bar 🙂

@CulturedRuffian

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

@allahliker

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

@LackOfShame

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

@mrtruthandsoul

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

@delusions_of

Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.

@werehedgehog

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

@lenadunham

Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.