I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
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Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go