you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
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“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I was bored.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!