I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
yeah 😭