I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
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My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Cake!!
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats