I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
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My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
multitasking lunch
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”