I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Beware…..
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Always the camel, never the toe.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.