I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

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i hate getting paid biweekly. i wanna get paid every day. actually i wanna get paid every hour. remind me hourly why i’m even here


This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.



How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.


The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.


Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.


My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.


Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?


Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.


In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me


Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.