I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

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I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts


*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
*text chime*
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?


Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.


Babies are instinctual swimmers like puppies, right? Kind of need an answer quickly.


I hate it when guys use pickup lines like, ‘Hey, what’s your friend’s name?’ on me. Worst pickup line ever.


Ever take your dog for a walk while you check twitter and you look up and you’re in Poland


[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”


COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”