I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
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no!! no!!!!!!
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
#Caturday
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED