I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
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Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.