“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

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*saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*


Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.


Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.


friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though


7 y/o daughter: Why don’t they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape?

And now I know what Einstein’s parents felt like


*pronounces “naked” like “baked”


Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients?

Me: Well, I’m just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces


I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs


Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.


You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us