MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
You know when somebody shows you photos of their new baby and you lie and say they look beautiful?
That’s what people do with your selfies.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
Don’t be an ass, be an arse. Do it with class.