@ItsAndyRyan

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

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@sabre_squirrel

*saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*

@usedwigs

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.

@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

@audipenny

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

@Mr_Kapowski

7 y/o daughter: Why don’t they have tape for your burrito but you could eat the tape?

And now I know what Einstein’s parents felt like

@UnFitz

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

@Sickayduh

Reporter: Doctor, what motivates you to care for coma patients?

Me: Well, I’m just here *puts cap on Sharpie* to put smiles on their faces

@PrisonCookies

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

@ClichedOut

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

@DillDoes

You can’t spell “secret government conspiracies” without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they’re hiding from us