“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

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MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit


Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.


All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.


You know when somebody shows you photos of their new baby and you lie and say they look beautiful?

That’s what people do with your selfies.


Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*


Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?


Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people


LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.


“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
“Pfft losers”