I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]


If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.


*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.


The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.


Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.



Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.


Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”


I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.


[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.