@highwaytohelv

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

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@Stellacopter

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

@TarekJan

Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.

@christine_p_33

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

@JosesLovesYou

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

@Just_Oh_Susanna

I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.

@AnOrangeSNES

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

@JasonLastname

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

@useful_wagon

Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road