If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta
He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I’ve also been dead for 27yrs.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
%) I love you guys
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road