I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
when someone rings the doorbell
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.