@chudneyspears

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

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@BoogTweets

*Full parking lot*

Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS!

*spot opens up*

Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

@Jesusontwittorr

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

@thevickster_sa

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

@Maxine12333

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

@roxiqt

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

@obijawn

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

@TravZA

I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”