I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.