*Full parking lot*
Me: IF THERE IS A GOD, FIND ME A SPOT AND I WILL BECOME RELIGIOUS!
*spot opens up*
Me: NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
You Might Also Like
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I answer private number calls with: “Rent a Gent hello”