hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
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Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
yeet
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Tell the colonel to bring it
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me