I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

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If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.


After months and months on my weight loss supplement, I finally lost $200.


Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?


In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.


Me: I’ll take another drink.
Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir?
Me: No it’s cool he’s driving * points at chair*


Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up



I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”


Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.