I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
You Might Also Like
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here