i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
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Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
*aggressively waits in line*
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
No, he would not have.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.