me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay