Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?
Me: who telled you?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you’ve had enough to eat.
Date your grandma
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
2 stinky teenagers.
Send wine and bail money.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son