@CatsVsHumanity

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

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@yassinovic89

Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?

@CraveMyThoughts

Date someone who spoils you, always says how beautiful you are, and never thinks you’ve had enough to eat.

Date your grandma

@IvoryGazelle

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

@girlontapas

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

@gwatts77

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

@Try2StopME

She: “I am expecting…”

Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”

She: “…someone at 3.”

@CAshmanActor

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son