I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
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Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Who did it better?
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.