Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
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The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.