@BastardProphet

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

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@VodkaShorebird

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

@T_Bonezzz_

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

@AsgardianRose

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

@DinkMagic

It would be fun to be on a hockey team on a road trip just be a guy in constant pain who never graduated grade nine in a hotel trying to figure out how to plug your ps4 you packed in a suitcase into the tv

@TheTweetOfGod

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

@SimplySnaccbar

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”