I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
I’ve been drinking.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.