I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Okey dokey.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever