I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?


[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.


My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!


everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France


King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping


The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.


wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!


I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.


me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin


[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]