@rocknthepurple

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

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@Donna_McCoy

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

@DumbConfessions

[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

@StillRadNotaFad

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

@bromanconsul

everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France

@Torgo_phylum

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

@DothTheDoth

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

@daemonic3

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: oh my god! [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

@samfromks

I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.

@GroovyTasia

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

@AndyAsAdjective

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”