coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
me: because I hate them
I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.
I mean, I’ve got Norton but.
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Things my wife doesn’t want in cider
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?