@Xoolun

I’m getting worried about this Ebola virus.

I mean, I’ve got Norton but.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

@3sunzzz

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

@MooseAllain

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.

@zebrasyndicate

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

@ThugRaccoons

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

@BigJDubz

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

@Tw1tter_K1tten

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

@hashtagyolo11

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?