before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
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I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.