I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!