@McGunnersite

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: As a vegan company it’s important that our staff love animals. Your CV says your previous job was… a pig slaughterhouse
Me: That’s a typo
Interviewer: For what?
Me: Er… pig’s laughter house
Interviewer: And what did you do there?
Me: I tickled the pigs.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

@iGreenMonk

Sometimes you just got to listen to your heart, and my heart is like “listen to your stomach”.

@Mister_Veritas

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

@mofrorock

Marvel’s latest movie franchise follows an aging Peter Parker as he swaps crimefighting for medical studies in Spiderman: WebMD

@kIarkie

This girl complimented me on my lip injections and asked where I got them done and I had to tell her that I am a person of color

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

@LeahTiscione

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!