I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
You Might Also Like
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
This cat wants you to take your pills
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
hey, alexa
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
What’s so funny?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone