I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
are they though??
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*