I’m giving up for Lent.
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Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
good let them take over I have had enough
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Basically.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless