I’m giving up for Lent.
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*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again