Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
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This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus