Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say
DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side
ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.