@meganamram

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

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@loribuckmajor

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

@junejuly12

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

@HousewifeOfHell

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

@crylenol

*pops out of casket at funeral*
ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say

@ArfMeasures

DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth

@Reverend_Scott

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

@PetrickSara

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.