I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Watson was Holmes schooled
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”