I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
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I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto