I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

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Monkey: “We’re not so different”

Me: “Did that monkey just talk to me”

Monkey: “Monkey noise”

Me: “Did it just say ‘monkey noise’?”


*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*


Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*


*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*


Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok


I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”


*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*


Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave


Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn