I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
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After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.