Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
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Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Who’s your best friend?
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Clients after you give them your rates
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF