I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.